Management as a form of non-management

When I started doing work with art of accomplishment, I was constantly in a state of trying to manage myself. Most things I did were an attempt to change the way I felt. Aoa taught me to enjoy over manage and they also taught me the value of being impartial. And I learned the more that I am trying to change something and make it go away, the more I'm actually causing it to stick around.

This is one of the reasons that self improvement is such a trap. The more I am trying to improve myself, the more I'm telling myself that something is not good and that it needs to change. So as I was learning this, I was hard on myself for always attempting to manage myself. This is another form of management (lol). I guess I thought that I would just learn about these things and then never manage myself or be partial with myself again. I can be experiencing a strong emotion that feels extremely uncomfortable and painful, and then be telling myself that I'm not allowed to want the emotion to go away. I tell myself that I have to welcome this emotion and that if I don't welcome this emotion it's only going to get worse. But this line of thinking is already causing it to get worse. Everything I do is an attempt to get it to go away. Saying that I don't want it to go away would just be another attempt to make it go away. Telling myself "of course I want it to go away" (another thing I learned from aoa) is just another attempt to make it go away. It appears that I am just stuck and that no action is the right action.

I have found some things that help along the way. Especially when it comes to intense anxiety. First of all, giving myself permission to manage myself. This one is important because without it, everything else just turns into an internal battle. Second, shaking. Just letting my body shake like a frightened animal would shake. Third, speaking from the part of myself that is terrified and letting it have its emotions. This can be very hard when there's shame around the emotion. Fourth, doing nothing i.e. just feeling what is happening in the moment. Being curious about it is really helpful here. Fifth, nervous system exercises. My favorite ones are NSDR and just letting my exhales be way longer than my inhales.

Management vs enjoyment is more of a state of mind rather than about what I'm doing. Allowing myself to manage myself helps move me from management to enjoyment. I am likely always going to be attempting to manage myself in some sort of way. I am noticing that it is getting less and less. I am also noticing that I am allowing and welcoming more and more emotions in myself and others.

Ref: aoa podcast for enjoy over manage and aoa podcast for impartiality